Coulda been me.....

So, I watched the finale of The Biggest Loser last night. I auditioned for that season last August. I didn't put any real effort into the video or anything, but I did stand in line for about 5 hours one warm Saturday morning. I coulda met all the constestants. I coulda had all the adventures. I coulda learned and trained with Bob and/or Jillian. I coulda won cash. I coulda gotten endorsements. I coulda lost a-lotta weight.

The contestants were on the 'program' for 6 months. I couldn't have been away from my family for that long, and they couldn't have been away from me either, especially with the adoption looming over our heads.

So, getting down to business, how much weight have I lost in the past 6 months, with some of the contestants losing anywhere from 45-200 lbs?

Drum roll.........please.......

0
zilch
zero
nada
nuttin'

How many classes did I take from Pete Thomas to learn how to lose weight?
12
How many cookbooks have I purchased, or perused to find healthy, low cal meals?
many
How often did I go to the gym in 2009 ALONE?
less than 10 times
How happy am I that I haven't lost weight?
NOT!

I kick myself in the rump because I have the tools, but I don't have the motivation. I say this over and over and over and over again.....
So why can't I fix it? Why can't it be fixed?
What is holding me back?
Could it be that I'm afraid of failure? Sure, I've said that before. Could it be that I'm afraid of success? Sure, said that too....Why do I have to be afraid? What am I really scared of?

I had planned to get up early (which I've been doing anyway) and getting on my Wii Fit. But I let the excuse of the dog 'disturbing my family's sleep' hinder me from getting out of bed and onto that little white board. I told myself this morning, that I'll do it after work. Which would be a good time, because I don't have to worry about getting dinner together, it's my night off for that.

So, that takes care of today. What about tomorrow?

T.R.U.S.T.

Wondering why I blog when no one reads it. Wondering why I complain about no one reading it, when I don't really want anyone reading it because it embarasses me. Heck, I can't even be straight with my husband about things I'm thinking, and he's seen me naked!

I have trust issues. I don't trust anyone. Especially me, myself and I. That attitude really affects my relationship with Christ. I feel guilty that I don't have as close of a relationship as I should with him...yep...I'm a louse. I don't trust my Lord Jesus Christ.

Seeing it out there is kinda scary. Jesus gave his LIFE for me, and I don't trust Him? Maybe I just don't trust myself with the decisions He makes for me and for my life. When you are saved and born again, you lose yourself to Him. I've never been one to let someone just take over...when it needs to be done, I usually just do it myself because at least I know it will be done the way I want it....

So, I'm guessing I need to work on this trust issue thing. It paralyzes me. I get stuck, and I don't (want to) get out. Then I get upset that I haven't gotten anywhere....So, it begins with me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can trust Christ-He strenghtens me. I can...huh...that's a positive.....it's hard to find negative things in the bible (minus the 10 commandments)...

Postive, uplifting........

Gawrsh......

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. Nothing much has changed. I'm battling my head or what's inside it that's prohibiting me from sticking to anything that guarantees success for me. It's not that hard to plan meals to know what the calories are, it's not that hard to plan times to exercise, it's not that hard to keep a house clean, to be a wife, to be a mom, to be a full time employee----THEN WHY DO I MAKE IT THAT WAY?

I refuse to go the easy route and start taking pills....1) why spend money on something that may or may not work, when I have all the resources I need to be healthy? 2) If it doesn't work, I'm back to square one, and more broke than I am now 3) is it really the easy route and is it really healthy?

Do I need to say "no" to some things in my life? AM I spending too much time on the computer, or reading, or watching TV? Probably. Do I care right now? No...WHY?

I have a time limit!!!! I have to be thinner before the play starts because I'm going to be standing up in front of ALL the audience in my costume, waving my arms around, and I'm gonna look like a big green LIME!!!! I don't want that!!!! I don't want to waste this year....MONTH #1 IS ALREADY GONE!!!! It's month #2!!! --and I am no where near where I want to be!!!

I have this OCD thingie with starting things at the beginning, like, it's the 7th today-I have this thing in my head that I can't start counting down or whatever because it's not the 1st! I am so weird...I need to get rid of these idiotic, crazy, nonsensical, time wasting, ego deflating, energy useruping ideals in my head and just GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.....and all the while I'm writing this, I'm dying to go to my stove and whip up a batch of pancakes.....oy vay....

Checking In....

So, I haven't written anything, partly because I had nothing to say, and partly because I've been too busy trying to maintain my new life schedule. It's not been hard, just time consuming. I've been able to eat what I plan, and make healthy choices. I'm having some difficulty getting off my butt at home to do an exercise DVD, but when I am at the gym, I have no problem ( and am actually challenging myself) with working on the treadmill.

So, now let's get to the real issue. Emotional Eating...I think that's what I am doing right now. My son has been sick since yesterday morning, I haven't had a full nights sleep this whole week for whatever reason. I made a batch of low fat brownies, even though I'm not supposed to eat chocolate due to my AR. The batch is gone, thanks to me, and I'm hungry all the time.

I haven't been reading my bible and praying as I should. Old habits die hard I guess....I don't think it's the fact that I don't want to, I just forget....

So, I'll be fine....just need to get some rest and keep up with the busy-ess of life.

Don't ask, if you don't want the answer!!!

Well, gawrsh, it's the 4th of January already!!! Haven't had much to say.....except now, all my planning is coming to a head, and the races start tomorrow morning.....I'm feeling that ol' feeling again...."why bother"....I can't let all my hard work and house of planning/researching/learning go down the drain.......
*Why bother????

1. I'm worth it
2. God's worth it
3. My family is worth it
4. !Plus I can win $$! (lol)

I'm trying to get my 'support' team together, but some of the folks are putting up their walls, and it's ticking me off. Sure, let's plan to do something and then turn around and say, "welp, it's not gonna work out."...don't ask me to do something with you and then change your mind....it's not only YOUR schedule/routine that's affected!!!!

Ok.....so now that THAT is off my chest.......

Off to the races!!!!