T.R.U.S.T.

Wondering why I blog when no one reads it. Wondering why I complain about no one reading it, when I don't really want anyone reading it because it embarasses me. Heck, I can't even be straight with my husband about things I'm thinking, and he's seen me naked!

I have trust issues. I don't trust anyone. Especially me, myself and I. That attitude really affects my relationship with Christ. I feel guilty that I don't have as close of a relationship as I should with him...yep...I'm a louse. I don't trust my Lord Jesus Christ.

Seeing it out there is kinda scary. Jesus gave his LIFE for me, and I don't trust Him? Maybe I just don't trust myself with the decisions He makes for me and for my life. When you are saved and born again, you lose yourself to Him. I've never been one to let someone just take over...when it needs to be done, I usually just do it myself because at least I know it will be done the way I want it....

So, I'm guessing I need to work on this trust issue thing. It paralyzes me. I get stuck, and I don't (want to) get out. Then I get upset that I haven't gotten anywhere....So, it begins with me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can trust Christ-He strenghtens me. I can...huh...that's a positive.....it's hard to find negative things in the bible (minus the 10 commandments)...

Postive, uplifting........

Gawrsh......

It's been almost a month since I've blogged. Nothing much has changed. I'm battling my head or what's inside it that's prohibiting me from sticking to anything that guarantees success for me. It's not that hard to plan meals to know what the calories are, it's not that hard to plan times to exercise, it's not that hard to keep a house clean, to be a wife, to be a mom, to be a full time employee----THEN WHY DO I MAKE IT THAT WAY?

I refuse to go the easy route and start taking pills....1) why spend money on something that may or may not work, when I have all the resources I need to be healthy? 2) If it doesn't work, I'm back to square one, and more broke than I am now 3) is it really the easy route and is it really healthy?

Do I need to say "no" to some things in my life? AM I spending too much time on the computer, or reading, or watching TV? Probably. Do I care right now? No...WHY?

I have a time limit!!!! I have to be thinner before the play starts because I'm going to be standing up in front of ALL the audience in my costume, waving my arms around, and I'm gonna look like a big green LIME!!!! I don't want that!!!! I don't want to waste this year....MONTH #1 IS ALREADY GONE!!!! It's month #2!!! --and I am no where near where I want to be!!!

I have this OCD thingie with starting things at the beginning, like, it's the 7th today-I have this thing in my head that I can't start counting down or whatever because it's not the 1st! I am so weird...I need to get rid of these idiotic, crazy, nonsensical, time wasting, ego deflating, energy useruping ideals in my head and just GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.....and all the while I'm writing this, I'm dying to go to my stove and whip up a batch of pancakes.....oy vay....

Checking In....

So, I haven't written anything, partly because I had nothing to say, and partly because I've been too busy trying to maintain my new life schedule. It's not been hard, just time consuming. I've been able to eat what I plan, and make healthy choices. I'm having some difficulty getting off my butt at home to do an exercise DVD, but when I am at the gym, I have no problem ( and am actually challenging myself) with working on the treadmill.

So, now let's get to the real issue. Emotional Eating...I think that's what I am doing right now. My son has been sick since yesterday morning, I haven't had a full nights sleep this whole week for whatever reason. I made a batch of low fat brownies, even though I'm not supposed to eat chocolate due to my AR. The batch is gone, thanks to me, and I'm hungry all the time.

I haven't been reading my bible and praying as I should. Old habits die hard I guess....I don't think it's the fact that I don't want to, I just forget....

So, I'll be fine....just need to get some rest and keep up with the busy-ess of life.

Don't ask, if you don't want the answer!!!

Well, gawrsh, it's the 4th of January already!!! Haven't had much to say.....except now, all my planning is coming to a head, and the races start tomorrow morning.....I'm feeling that ol' feeling again...."why bother"....I can't let all my hard work and house of planning/researching/learning go down the drain.......
*Why bother????

1. I'm worth it
2. God's worth it
3. My family is worth it
4. !Plus I can win $$! (lol)

I'm trying to get my 'support' team together, but some of the folks are putting up their walls, and it's ticking me off. Sure, let's plan to do something and then turn around and say, "welp, it's not gonna work out."...don't ask me to do something with you and then change your mind....it's not only YOUR schedule/routine that's affected!!!!

Ok.....so now that THAT is off my chest.......

Off to the races!!!!

Don't forget the Present!!!

I spent most of today on my bed with numerous cook books, recipes, calendars, pens, pencils and the remote (had to watch the "House" marathon). R had the upchucks last nite, so we didn't go to church this morning. So I planned NEXT week's menu....calculating my alloted calories per day/per meal....making a grocery list....scheduling my activity time (sounds better than E.X.C.E.R.C.I.S.E), adding up the calories of certain recipes...so, NEXT week is done....but I forgot...I have to live this upcoming week FIRST!!!! I don't know why I do that....I get so geeked about 'planning' things, that I totally overlook the here-and-now...
Part of the reason is that in my head I don't *officially* start until Thursday (actually, next Monday for my work contest-WHICH I WILL WIN!!!), so, my mindset has been in the future...but I need to reel it in and get my head outta the clouds and look at today. I can't just sit around and wait for Thursday to get here...I have to live, and take care of my family, and go to work.....So, I will work on remembering the present while planning for the future....next obstacle: When the future becomes the present will the goals be accomplished....oy....that's another blog.....

Crunching the numbers.....

Well, I thought that I weighed- (ok...breathe....it'll be ok....)270-----pounds that is...ugh...I actually put that number out there..(whew....you did it, now, relax, it's in the past...keep moving on!!!)... but I got on the scale today, and it read 261.5!!! woo hoo!!! That means I didn't gain anything since I went to Pete's last class 4 weeks ago, I actually LOST!!! I guess the restrictions that I have to abide by for my 'severe' acid reflux disease is actually helping me! The next time I plan on weighing in is 1/1/09 (this will start my personal weight loss journey to my goal weight of 150 by 12/31/09), then I have an 'official' weigh in on 1/5/09 for my work's Biggest Loser contest (with the objective to lose more than anyone else...ha ha), and then another WI on 1/6/09 for a support forum (ok, another contest) on Matthew McNutt's blog ( plan on losing more than the other folks there as well....) So, numbers will be my game for the next 12 months....lol

Looking ahead....

Spent part of the day with the hubby's side of the family. All the skinny/beautiful people....I had to remind myself that this time next year, it's gonna be a whole different story. My step FIL was making conversation about exercise. I kept my mouth shut. Not because I was embarassed about the topic, but he didn't really know what he was talking about That is one of the reasons why I am so excited to start my 'program' so I can show off...that's vain, I know. But I'm feeling very selfish at the moment. I am very tired, and would love to go to bed.....

R's finger was pinched in a folding chair last night, so he was up all night stressed about that-has a blood blister, (he threw up 1x) and also because he was excited about his presents....I mean, who wouldn't!! LOL...so we haven't gotten alot of sleep.

I ate like I was at a sugar trough all day today...haven't had so much sugar/chocolate/sugar in a very long time...I probably won't sleep very long.

My Cuz (F) wants me to create a program for her, so that will be good to do. It'll be fun, and we can be a support to each other.

Tired, thirsty......nite